Sweetest Downfall: I loved you first
by Nyktohrodon
Summary: Stella stared at the drying crimson stains for a full five minutes, agony, anguish, loss, and a terrible sense of abandonment flowed through her. And finally – her iron will crumbling – she threw her pride out the window, and headed for


Attn: Inspired by and spoilers for 'All Access'. I own nothing but the story told below. The song used is 'Samson' by Regina Spektor

**Sweetest Downfall: I loved you first **

_You are my sweetest downfall _

_I loved you first… _

"IAB handed your case over to the Detective Bureau," Don said as he helped her into her jacket. "They're gonna deem it a good shot."

Stella Bonasera turned around to face the homicide detective who was also a friend; shock, gratitude, and a little wonder shone in her still-traumatized eyes. "Thank you," was all she could say- and even then it was a whisper.

"Thank you," she repeated stronger, "thank you for staying with me, Don."

"No sweat," he said with at casual shrug, "It's my job." His answer was meant to make her laugh, Stella knew that, and she silently thanked him for it. "Not to mention you're a friend," he added seriously, a true sincerity in his eyes.

"You're a good friend," She said, close to tears and cursing herself for it. Don caught her in a tight hug as she whispered, "thank you" yet again.

Stella heard the door open behind her and she turned around to see Mac standing in the doorway. "I'd heard somewhere you were getting out of here," a slight smile played on his lips as he added, "Come on. I'll take you home."

_Beneath the stars came falling on our heads _

_But they're just old light_

_They're just old light…_

The trip down to Mac's car, Stella reflected, was filled with a light argument that held the undercurrent of seriousness over whether she would return to work right away like she wanted. It was a fruitless argument, Mac was destined to win from the beginning like he usually did, but they argued anyway. Mac had found a way to tactfully introduce a topic that would keep her mind engaged and off of things until she was ready to deal with them.

But while Mac was firm that she take time off and see a department councilor – something the stubborn Stella Bonasera dreaded – he did anticipate that she might not want to go home right away and offered to check her into a hotel.

As tempted as she was to accept, she couldn't. Stella had grown up in the system completely independent, and accepting favors from people – even friends – went completely against what she was. Taking a deep breath she tuned the offer down. "I'm a big girl, Mac. If it's all right with you, I'd – I'd prefer to go home."

_Your hair was long when we first met _

_Samson came to my be, told me that my hair was red_

_Told me I was beautiful, came into my bed…_

Home. The word almost caught in her throat. Was the apartment still home after what happened there? Was she still safe?

Almost as if he could see the uncertainty in her, Mac stared at her for a moment, weighing and judging her, before he nodded his accent.

_Oh, I cut his hair myself one night _

_I buried those scissors in the yellow light_

_And he told me I'd done all right…_

The crime scene sticker stopped her cold. She'd seen that same sticker on so many other doors that she had never stopped to think about it. About what it meant. Taking a deep, steadying breath, Stella cut through the sticker and opened the door.

_And he kissed me till the morning light,_

_The morning light_

_Kissed me till the morning light…_

Mac had been right, Stella realized. Her apartment hadn't been cleaned yet; it was still a crime scene. Everything was left the way it had been when Don and Mac had found her unconscious on the floor.

Her first stop was – duffle bag still in hand – was the bathroom and the bathtub that still contained her dried blood. The kitchen was next, followed by the sitting room and bedroom; memories, feelings, and emotions all came flooding back, threatening to overwhelm her. But she struggled on as stubborn as ever, too proud to admit defeat, until she came to Frankie's blood where everything – all those things she'd been running from since her return to consciousness – came crashing down on her with an intensity so strong she thought she'd die.

_Samson went back to bed _

_Not much hair left on his head_

_He ate a slice of Wonder Bread_

_And went right back to bed…_

She loved him. In spite of everything, she still loved him. When she had discovered that website it had hurt so much that the thought she knew what it was like to die. She was wrong. Seeing Frankie's blood on her rug and knowing that she was the one who'd killed him and that if she had to she would do it again destroyed a part of her that she could never get back.

Stella stared at the drying crimson stains for a full five minutes, agony, anguish, loss, and a terrible sense of abandonment flowed through her. And finally – her iron will crumbling – she threw her pride out the window, packed, and headed for the one person she knew could keep her safe.

_Oh, we couldn't bring the columns down _

_Yeah, we couldn't destroy a single one_

_And history books forgot about us_

_And the Bible didn't mention us_

_Not even once…_

Mac Taylor sat on his windowsill staring blankly at the New York night sky wondering if letting Stella go back to her house had been a wise thing to do. Every instinct in his entire being was screaming for him to protect her, defend her, and keep her safe, but his mind was warning him that she may resent him being there. Knowing that he was fighting a loosing battle, Mac had just decided on a compromise and was reaching for the phone when the doorbell rang.

"Stella," he said almost throwing the door open, "what's – " Mac stopped abruptly when he noticed how badly she was shaking. His heart started screaming for him to something – anything – to take away the pain. He couldn't force her that would be worse than anything Frankie had done to her. All he could do was offer to be there for her whether she accepted or not was up to her. He had barely started to reach out to her before she'd collapsed. Fortunately, she was in his arms before the first heart-rending sob escaped her. Worried, Mac pulled her into his hallway and closed the door before her weight knocked down to the floor. Sitting there he held her and rocked her as she cried, whispering sweet words of comfort in her ear. They sat there, unmoving, on Mac's hallway floor for he didn't know how long until she stirred. "Don't leave me alone, Mac," she whispered as she clung to him, "Please don't leave me alone."

He had no intention of leaving her alone. Not after this. Not tonight. Not ever. His heart bled silently, and he held her all the tighter as he whispered into her hair, "You're safe now, Stella. No one can hurt you. I promise. No one will hurt you. I promise."

_You are my sweetest downfall_

_I loved you first…_

_I loved you first._


End file.
